So this is a story that I knew I would eventually write and since today is World Suicide Prevention Day, I think it’s time to tell it.
If you know me or follow me on social media, you know that I have depression and anxiety. I was diagnosed with depression in June, 2016. What very few people know is that last December I was so depressed and miserable, I tried to take my own life.
On the outside, my life looked fine. I was extremely social, I was in college, went to the gym regularly, spent my weekends walking the shelter dogs, raising money for charity and according to the outside world. I was happy. On the inside was a different story, I felt consumed by my depression, I felt I couldn’t find a release from it. I was being dragged further and further down into this abyss. I regularly thought:
“What’s the point? Why the fuck am I even here? I should just end it.”
One night I tried to end it. I took all the prescription painkillers that my doctor gave me. Which was over 20 tablets. Sent a message to my friends saying sorry and closed my eyes. You know how in the movies, the glamorous woman takes a cocktail of pills and then lays down in the bed and dies? Yeah, it was nothing like that. My body ended up rejecting everything and I ended up puking my guts out and crying into the toilet. Not a glamorous look.
I told my dad what I did and he just held me. Then there was a knock on our front door, it was a first responder. One of my friends had called them and they came to my house. I remember telling them, I was sick, I was fine and I was going to bed. He was actually pretty pissed off because he got out of bed. Which then kinda made me mad. I never called you and you’re gonna get mad at me, the person who is clearly not doing ok because you had to get out of bed.
Fast forward to 9 months later, I suffered through a bad knee injury that caused me to have to leave college and abandon my plans of doing a fitness blog. Instead it turned into something better, it turned into this blog, being published on The Mighty and talking about Mental Health on Radio Kerry. When I compare the years 2016 was a much easier year than this year. I went through shit this year BUT the difference was I found a way to push past the bad, keep working through and try and make something positive for myself.
I may have bad days, weeks and maybe even months in the future but I know that the bad times won’t last. I have let depression consume me and I have fought back. Fighting back is hard as fuck to do but I’m going to do it every single time. I am a Chumbawamba song. (I hope it gets stuck in your head now). There is always something to stay around for, you just have to weather the storm and there’s no need to do it alone ♥
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