Ramblings of a Zombie

I wrote the following last night, went old school with a pen and paper because I fucking hate typing on my phone. I was too lazy to walk 50 feet to get my iPad, don’t judge me. You know after 1am you wouldn’t be bothered to get out of a cosy bed to walk up a dark hallway to look for an iPad to type when there is a pen and notebook next to you. 

Right now, I am sitting up in my bed with a pen in my hand and my cute ‘Happy Thoughts’ notebook on my lap. I was so tired tonight that I climbed into bed around 7:30pm and watched two episodes of Real Detective on Netflix before passing out from tiredness at 10:30.

I haven’t been sleeping much lately, maybe 2-3 hours a night. I feel like I’m in a sort of zombie mode throughout the day and drunk on tiredness at night. It’s not that I don’t want to fall asleep, my body just won’t let me.

Here I am at 1am, sitting up in bed wide awake thinking “Is there a negative in my life that’s keeping me awake? Something playing on my mind?“. The answer is no.

Relationships?

Not currently dating but have been asked out by several people in the last few weeks. So pretty sure these guys are all serial killers and want to use my skin to make a carpet for Christmas.

Family Life? 

Pretty great. No bickering. Getting on happily with everyone and even have the majority of their Christmas presents bought. In mid November because I’m a BOSS.

Writing?

Lacking a little bit though not because of a lack of motivation just a lack of a laptop. Have even been offered contributing spots on several websites, even some that pay.

So what is wrong?

When I am suffering with depression my body has a routine. I over sleep. I can fall asleep at 10pm and wake up at 2pm the next day. Now, I’m not sleeping.

My appetite has changed. I love to cook but now I’m just throwing waffles in the toaster. I just have a “meh” attitude towards everything. I can’t even be bothered to eat most days. I really love food, I love to cook from scratch and now I’m just too tired and want to sleep.

I’ve been looking in Seasonal Affective Disorder or S.A.D. which is basically known as ‘Winter Blues’. Though the thing is I love Autumn and Winter, I love the cold nights, warm pjs, hot water bottles, the fire on and my cosy winter blanket.

What if it is S.A.D? 

I can’t see a doctor doing much, I already take the maximum dosage for my antidepressant. I can’t get any medication to help me sleep, my doctors don’t like giving them out because they’re too addictive. My Lush Sleepy isn’t helping, all the tricks I use when I have bad anxiety aren’t helping.

So, what to do?

 

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