It is possible. I did it.
I knew I didn’t feel right in myself during April and May in 2016. I was a mess. Mood swings, feeling helpless, wanting to hide away and breaking down. I used to cry into my dogs fur late at night while making him cuddle me. I made the decision to go see my doctor that June.
I remember walking in and him asking me “So, what’s wrong?” and this opened up the floodgates. I bawled my eyes out and just told him “I don’t know what’s wrong with me!”. He reassured me, we talked for about 40 minutes and I was diagnosed with depression. I was put on antidepressants and my doctor scheduled me in for weekly visits for the first few weeks which was then moved to monthly meetings. In the weeks that followed I went to see a counsellor.
Everything seemed to be going ok-ish till it came up to Christmas and then I was just miserable and then in January I suffered a massive knee injury and I had to leave my college course as I was unable to walk. I tried to keep myself as busy as possible, I started my blog and started learning to cook. Though was awkward to cook when you are in crutches and a knee brace. Constantly asking for help to put things in and out of the oven and trying not to get tripped up by my dog.
I started to feel better when I openly started talking about my depression on my blog, it was my way to get out what I was feeling. Yes, it left me open to abuse my trolls but the ‘Block’ button and I got very well acquainted though I will admit sometimes the trolls really got to me, it’s not fun having your illness being made fun
. I started to feel pretty good again when I started my physio for my knee. Everything seemed to be healing well physically and mentally…
My happiness was not meant to last.
My mind started swirling again with depression and anxiety. Tried tinder around the same time which was a disaster and to top it off my knee collapsed on me and I couldn’t walk again.
*insert more depression here*
I basically gave up on myself. Just let the depression take over me. Wore my “happy mask” when I was around people but I was completely miserable and I ended up back at the doctor and increasing my antidepressant dosage.
The increase in tablets did help, I started to feel a bit better again and then I made a choice, I cut all the toxic people and crap outta my life. I started putting myself first, giving zero fucks about anyone or anything that wasn’t a positive force in my life.
I changed my mindset and how I look at things, I spent less time giving a crap about people insulting me online and talking crap. Started becoming friends with the ‘Block’ button again. The less energy I spent worrying about other people and more time concentration on myself, the better I felt.
In January of this year, I went to my doctor and we talked about moving down in dosage of my antidepressants. I moved from 40mg to 30mg. After a few weeks on the lower dose, I felt fine. I was happy, started cooking and blogging again. I was happy and motivated. I went back to my doctor after a few weeks and we discussed coming off antidepressants. While I was making the change, I deactivated my social media accounts as I didn’t want any online BS to interfere with my mental health.
I have been moving down 5mg a month. I have dropped from 40mg to 20mg so far. I will be completely off them in 3-4 months.
I feel strong, happy, in control and feel like my badass old self before this illness dragged me down.
I have fought depression, it was in no way easy, it was long, tough and full of breakdowns but I did it. It is an illness you can beat.
Stay Strong ♥