When I was 26, I was diagnosed with depression. I got help from my doctor, took the anti-depressants, did counselling sessions, and now as I’m about to turn 29 I no longer suffer with depression.
This wasn’t a journey of that I did everything that I was meant to do and I was fine the whole time, I had periods where I would be all over the place and fall into a deep depression and take myself weeks to get back on track.
Now in 13 days, I turn 29 and have been thinking about life after mental illness. I feel robbed by depression, I lost the last few years of my twenties. I should have been out enjoying my life with my friends, instead I couldn’t face leaving the bed, let alone my house. Not to focus on the negative, I did however discover a love for reading. I would easily go through 3 books a week. It was my escape. Jump into a different world.
I feel scared, when I have a bad day, my brain spirals into “is it back?”. Everyone has bad days but guess I’m not used to bad days that don’t spiral into the worst place possible. So every time I have a bad day, all I can think is the depression is back. Which I know people might think is just an irrational thought but I can’t shake that thought, maybe as time passes the fear of relapse will pass too.
I have the memories of being unable to get out of bed, unable to shower because my body was just a carcass that my mind was trapped inside, I remember all the suicidal thoughts, the attempted overdose, and the breakdowns. I can’t erase that from my brain no matter how much I’d like to forget the last few years.
I spent a few weeks wondering “who am I without depression?”. I spent over a year talking about mental health online that it never occurred to me that one day I’d be rid of depression. I guess when you’re suffering, it’s hard to think of a place where you are free.
So what’s next?
Well this week I am going on a mini break with a friend who is visiting Ireland. It’s a staycation for me, but I haven’t been on any sort of break in over 2 years so I can’t wait and I get to see a friend who I haven’t seen since I was 26!
I have some other things planned too but once they’re official I’ll talk more about them ♥