Depression: Dig A Little Deeper
This week is Mental Health awareness week and I have touched on my own anxiety and depression before, but this time I have chosen to go a little bit deeper with things only my parents and doctor were aware of.
So it’s coming up to nearly a year since I was diagnosed with depression and I’m sure if you follow me on Twitter or know me personally, I’m sure you’ve seen the cracks but I don’t think people realised how deep the cracks went.
I have not slept a full night in over a year, I wake up 5-6 times a night on average. I also suffer from cold sweats at night, I wake up completely soaked and have to get up, change the bedding around, dry myself off and then try and get back to sleep. I mentioned this to my counsellor and doctor last year, I had to get blood taken several times to check was it something physically wrong but it is just my brain. My brain doesn’t “switch off” at night like a normal person. It comes and goes but at the moment I have it, I have to live with this but it’s frustrating and it pisses me off cuz sometimes I have to do it 2-3 times a night.
So now I’ve scratched the surface, I’ll go a little deeper. Last year was one of the worst and hardest of my life. I couldn’t get out of bed. I would constantly lie to people when I was texting them, I would say I was doing normal day to day stuff when in fact I was in bed. I couldn’t eat, I lost 12lbs. I dropped to 8st 11lb. I remember my mom saying she could feel my bones when she hugged me, all she wanted me to do was eat and I just physically couldn’t. I also didn’t brush my hair, wash my hair or even shower for 2 months. You don’t give a fuck about your personal hygiene. My hair was so matted, I was just tempted to cut it off. When I eventually pulled myself together, showered and tackled my hair. I hated myself, I tried to hold back the tears as my mom brushed the matted mess that was my hair. It took over an hour but she did it.
I also had a lot of anger inside over not taking care of myself, feeling alone and rejected, feeling I was at fault for every single thing that went wrong. I won’t go too deep into this side because I’m not ready for that just yet, maybe soon. One thing I do regret is once I flew into a fit of rage and smashed my favourite lamp off a wall. Which I realise now was idiotic but in that moment I needed to release my anger and smashing shit was how I did it.
I realise now that I was not at fault for everything, people are assholes and will use you, belittle you etc to make themselves feel better. I had an issue with “friends” a few months ago who took to social media to accuse me of faking depression because I speak about it. Their argument was that if you’re really depressed you keep it to yourself while I believe talking publicly about it helps, it helps me feel open, I have received a message saying me being open helped someone go to the doctor. Hiding things and keeping them inside is the problem, people not feeling like they can talk is a reason people kill themselves.
This blog saved me from dipping back into a depressive state when I had to leave college because of my knee injury. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t put on my own socks. I could have slipped back into feeling worthless but I’ve been down that road and don’t wanna go back down it again. I started this blog, I do this for myself. Thanks to it, I found out that I’m a pretty good cook. I do have the occasional fuck up in the kitchen but I’m improving. I don’t mind if people don’t read this, make fun of me for it but when I got injured I had 2 roads. Road 1 was feeling sorry for myself, sit in bed and wait till I can walk again. Road 2 was do something you always wanted, I bought my domain and started this and 5 months later, I’m still doing this.
As each day passes it gets a little brighter and I feel a little better.